Most people have lost someone or something and had a time in their life when they were grieving because of that loss. But have you ever had a time in you life when you felt like you were grieving for yourself. Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. Has something happened in your lifetime that had a dramatic impact on your life possibly negatively and it changed you? Changed you so much that when you sit back today and look at you life before that change that you think “I miss the person I used to be before that happened?”
People with PTSD, chronic pain or illnesses, emotional distress/depression/anxiety etc often experience this. I like to call it “self-grieving”.
The negative impact on my life that changed things for me was when I started having severe health changes back in November 2014. I haven’t been completely myself since then. I went through a period when I was afraid to leave my home bc I didn’t know what triggered my illness to flare up. I was afraid to eat because I didn’t know what would cause me to feel worse. I was in so much physical and emotional pain that all I wanted to do was lay down because for some reason I thought that if I didn’t move I could pretend that it didn’t exist. I was afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid that I wouldn’t wake up but I was afraid to wake up because I was worried of feeling worse then I did when I fell asleep.
There were many days that I would pray to God for healing. And other days I found myself so angry asking God why….why he would choose this path for me. Telling him I wasn’t strong enough to do this. I was so angry with life and all I kept saying was I MISS THE OLD ME. So many days I spent crying and praying and crying and praying. It’s all I knew to do. All I had the strength to do.
I didn’t realize then but it was once I started to get my illness a bit more under control that I realized that I was grieving for my former self. I missed the person I was before I got sick. I missed all the thing I could do and not have to think twice about it. I missed being able to take my kids places and go on dinner dates and not worrying about the time so I didn’t miss a medication dose. I missed it all. I felt so empty inside and for the longest I couldn’t figure out why until I realized that it was because I was grieving for the life I had once had.
I couldn’t accept the fact that I had to adapt to a new normal. I was not okay with the change of lifestyle. I hated everything about it. But I had no choice at all. I could cry and be angry about it all day everyday but it wouldn’t change a thing. Fast forward to life today. I still am trying to adapt to my new normal and how my life will forever be. It’s something that definitely doesn’t happen over night. But it’s something that I’m working toward.
At first I thought I was completely insane for grieving over my past life and former self but after tons of research and talking to others it’s completely normal and actually pretty common. I found a lot of support in facebook support groups and research. If this is something that you are going through please know you are not going through it alone. It’s not something to be ashamed of and there is always someone out there to talk to.
Always Refuse To Sink ⚓️